The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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