I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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