i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
