Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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