this just has baby written all over it
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
