I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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