im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
