We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
