Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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