If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Pants are for mortals
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
