quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
