The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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