if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
