My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
