Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
