There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
