I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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