Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
