he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
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So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
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I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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