I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
