fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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