I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
