I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
They should really pass out barf bags in church
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
