At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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