I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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