gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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