Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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