between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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