If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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