Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
