he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
