My liver just broke up with me...
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
