This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
not ubering you a puppy
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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