first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
