Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
