You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
