Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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