Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
