You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Randomize
