dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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