I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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