I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
