this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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