I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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