glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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