Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
