I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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