first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
