If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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