Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
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It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
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I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
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