she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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