16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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