We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Mom said you looked used
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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