James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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