literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
