I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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