please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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