I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
