I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
