Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
