i would punch a child for taco bell
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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